Babies have always made me uncomfortable. I can’t have a conversation with them, they’re much too fragile, and things can go too wrong, too fast. This irrational discomfort stems from my strange baby encounters. Once, a baby turned around and looked straight into my eyes, turned back around to his mom then whipped around to stare at me again. He watched me walk away until his balance failed him and he fell over. This incident reminded me of a baby phenomenon I think everyone should be aware of – The Walmart Baby.
Yes, Walmart Babies. You too have encountered them, whether you knew it or not. That sneakiness is part of their baby weaponry. Walmart Babies are the babies in shopping carts who aren’t yet old enough support their own head. They sit, staring at you with a bobbling head, as drool falls down their faces. And these babies are persistent. Think he’ll lose focus if you quickly turn around and grab your bread? No. Walmart Baby is watching you grab your bread, and your entire shopping list, with his little head bobbing in a circle. Walmart Baby is always watching. And drooling.
Do not fear, readers, for the Walmart Baby is harmless. But know, when you round the aisle and he’s staring straight into your eyes, he will not give up. Walmart Baby is on a mission. He WILL win this staring contest you didn’t even know you were in.